It started with a book referred by a friend. "Many masters many lives" by Dr. Brian Weiss. A hardcore pessimist like me, who loves to refute what is deeply ingrained in others through ages, I fell hook, line,sinker for the theory of past life. The idea of me being an eternal soul, residing in a temporary body, it planted itself deeply in my mind and grew slowly and gradually to engulf the more sensible part of me.I started to believe that these people around me, not all, just those who can touch my core, either to destroy or to repair, have all been with me for eternity.
I have never had a dirth of friends. Nor well wishers. My school and college scrapbooks are filled with testimonials of my happy-go-lucky persona. Talkative, loud and giggling, are words that stuck to me eternally. Yet beneath all the mirth lived a different me. A loner. A bit of Insecurity. A bit of stubborn Strength. A friendly soul who belonged to none. Throughout the last four decades, I have lived in this cage of a genial mingler. while my heart yearned to revel, in either it's petulant or placid solitude. From behind the bars of the cage of my preferred masks or the visage of solitude, I reached out and gathered history. I brewed some wisdom, on when to open the doors, and some tricks, on when to shut my heart out.
Strange are the ways of the heart. However much battering it has to put up with, it still retains its power.The power to spot that guiding light, to sieve that priceless anchor. From amongst the debris and dump-yards of meaningless liaisons formed en route. My heart is no different. It picked and placed in it some souls, who kept it pumping, either with love or with grudge. These are not just people I meet along the way. The connect with them go beyond the superficial. Breaking through all my shadows of attitude and walls of fear. They touch my soul. These are souls that can control me. They are the elixir of my life.
A neighbor, a teacher.A kin who left early, another who stays as a shadow, never coming together but always there in hour of need.Like the friend who calls every time my present tries to strangle, or the one who makes a painting of my muck and puts it up for sale. One, who challenged and changed my perspectives. A fresh fragrant soul that taught me to let go of past's stench. Two little pairs of hands that tug, pull, hug and keep me alive. The mere presence of them in my life keeps me ticking. The few that try to bludgeon my breath out, they make me strong. The rest, whose mere presence beats my stress out, they give me power. Neither care for my well knit sheaths or able walls. They just barge in unannounced, inundate my existence and then, they leave.
They leave. No matter how they arrive or how they shake up my life, they never stay put. Their pulling away creates a void that takes an effort to wrap or fill that gets maddening at times. Specially when they cease to be actors playing a part in my life and turn into audiences. The scene changes and they rarely get back on stage. They just hover around close by, refusing to reach out and touch. Their job is done. I trudge on, trying to hold on to the life that was.
The pattern never really changes. Only I have given it a new perspective. All thanks to my tryst with the theory of past life. It all seems to fall in place now. These people who break me aren't a mirror of my weaknesses. They are getting even for what I had done to them in some other body. The one's who bring peace and love aren't balanced, loving people, they are here to unload the balance of emotions I earned in some previous birth. The best part is the explanation for their quitting. Each soul has a fixed time with me for each birth, if death does us apart before we served our time then we meet in future. But only to complete the time that was meant to be.
Gibberish, hogwash, the rantings of a troubled mind? Could be. Having worn my atheism on my sleeve since ever, putting my belief in this theory of past life is not without a pinch of salt. Yet, there is also this romantic in me, who holds on to this small piece of faith, which makes life live. It evens out the folds of hurt and grief bestowed upon by arrogant folks. It makes my heart glow with the warmth gifted by some intimate bonds. It goads me to build faith, recognize and respect these special souls. They are my confidants and quislings, who I feel, have walked with me for eternity.
They leave. No matter how they arrive or how they shake up my life, they never stay put. Their pulling away creates a void that takes an effort to wrap or fill that gets maddening at times. Specially when they cease to be actors playing a part in my life and turn into audiences. The scene changes and they rarely get back on stage. They just hover around close by, refusing to reach out and touch. Their job is done. I trudge on, trying to hold on to the life that was.
The pattern never really changes. Only I have given it a new perspective. All thanks to my tryst with the theory of past life. It all seems to fall in place now. These people who break me aren't a mirror of my weaknesses. They are getting even for what I had done to them in some other body. The one's who bring peace and love aren't balanced, loving people, they are here to unload the balance of emotions I earned in some previous birth. The best part is the explanation for their quitting. Each soul has a fixed time with me for each birth, if death does us apart before we served our time then we meet in future. But only to complete the time that was meant to be.
Gibberish, hogwash, the rantings of a troubled mind? Could be. Having worn my atheism on my sleeve since ever, putting my belief in this theory of past life is not without a pinch of salt. Yet, there is also this romantic in me, who holds on to this small piece of faith, which makes life live. It evens out the folds of hurt and grief bestowed upon by arrogant folks. It makes my heart glow with the warmth gifted by some intimate bonds. It goads me to build faith, recognize and respect these special souls. They are my confidants and quislings, who I feel, have walked with me for eternity.
